There're few ways about it.
1. Outright go nuclear and be left alone. The happiness factor involved in this and the quality of life you live from now till you die is big fat 0. Nada. Nothing. You will realize this 20 years down the road, not now. But again, this is true only for introspective people, which you sound like, since you would not have entertained the idea of applying permanent residency for in-laws to start with if you were otherwise.
2. Leave them in Nepal, but looks like this is too late!
3. Or compromise and have a middle path that benefits you all. I am harping on the last option. You may or may not have lived in a combined/joint-family for too long until your formative years. There's joy in such a family; it just takes different perspective for that to sink in and embed that lifestyle in your daily lives. Granted, its difficult here, but it isn't all that bad either.
Here's what our family has done. Same situation as yours, btw.
Now I am taking a leap of faith here that you both, and your in-laws are reasonable people. If any of you in this equation are unreasonable, none of this works. Good luck in that case.
- Don't make them dependent as best as you can. Enable independence. Let them take the bus themselves. Teach them the ways of the world. If they are educated, it won't be hard.
- You can stock the fridge and the in-laws can self-help to a great extent. Heck, they will likely give you a break if you are smart enough to set it up that way. Go do your office work and tell them you will be late or early, as it happens. If you are late, you are late. They can eat something on their own or wait for you - their choice. But dinner will be late that day, and they will have to suck it up! Call them to say that you will be late, when you are indeed late.
- Don't dump your frustration on them. It is a situation - showing a grumpy and morose face just makes your life a living hell, and their too. Laugh it out but tell the reality of it all. Trust me, things will brighten up when communication is clear. They don't want to be in an unhappy environment either. They will do their part. They will take a hint and help you all along the way.
- Talk it out that with your spouse that you all need to have a plan. If he/she is unreasonable, this will not work. You are in a tight spot in that case. Your spouse can tell their parent to at least cook today since you two need to go to the doctor, or you get the idea!
- Move to an area where there are other Nepalese folks around so the in-laws don't sit at home all day and get bored to death. Oh wait! You have a job? You are not that snowflake that can't commute extra 5 miles or make minor move. Suck it up; everyone else has a job, and lot of them are managing the same daal-vaat situation as yours. Heck, who am I to say this? You might have already done this!
- Medical care: There are lot of things you can do. If your in-laws get citizenship, some states do provide some sort of medical help etc. Some hospitals have waiver plans. Inbox me and I can elaborate. Trust me, others have done this before us!
- Capitalize the situation: If you plan to have kids, now is the time to hit the sack so in-laws will help you when the time comes. They can't just be there for daal-vaat only, that is, if they are in a reasonable state of health. If you do not know, it is expensive and extremely inconvenient to send kids to daycare (timely drop offs, pick ups, be there for other fcukery involved in such scenarios). In-laws can fill that role right away as you trot to work each morning without other concerns that come with daycare. It saves you a great deal of money too.
Weigh this..
One day you will be in their shoes and will get old and need help, and when you look back at what happened now, you will be glad you could help, or sad and realize it was a mistake to not explore ways to help the in-laws in their twilight years. Can't blame the in-laws as that is the life they've learned - to rely on their kids during old age. That's the generation they are. Finding a balance without being grump, petty, and resentful is not only good, but essential.
Or..
The emptiness and gloom that envelopes you for turning down help will make your lives sad. Well that is, if you are introspective and look back and realize you did not help when it mattered. Conversely, you will have a lot of happiness in what you just did, when you help. There's much more meaning in the life you live by helping them, (and others too) instead of the emptiness that will surround you with the mentality of 'just the 2 of us will be happy'.
And for others, why the hate for Mr. Logan? You all sound like the Hateful 8. Didn't like his writing style? Well, that's a reflection of Nepali roots for you. Looks like some people can't live their lives without throwing a jab at him in Sajha for nothing. Natra daal vaat napachne vo ki kya ho! Just chill the fcuk down, people.
