looks like you can't make friends in usa unless you talk about stupid football, xbox and weed.. dyamnnn

I hear what you are saying.

Here are a few tips/tricks/$0.2 or whatever you wanna call it.

1. Since we are "different", people will not come to you, you have to go to people .

2. If you are trying hard and still are not making any friends, maybe you are trying too hard.

3. Find a hobby, E.g. you like to read go to the library, and find out if they have a book club assoicated with them or have classes for one language or the other. You can meet tons of great people at the library. Same goes for any hobby.

4. American culutre is a sharp edged sword, one has to develop a sense of humor and has to know how to "bust someone's chop"! Do not take anything personally, and when someone sounds rude to you , keep in mind that it might be their attempt at humor, let im/her have it! I am sure they will appreciate you for that (90% of the Americans I have met, do not like the subservient attitude)

5. make eye contacts with people, start with little compliments. when it comes to gaining confidence, a little smile from someone, esp someone from the other sex does wonders to confidence. The more confident you become the less of a creep you become ("creepy" is anyone an american will never become friends with, not even if they are a creep themselves lol). Remember to get something you have to give something. Moreover, this does not have to be "sexual"

6. READ, learn about America as much as you can. If you are in Rome act like a Roman!

7. Hit a bar and become friends with the bartender, if the bartender is a woman and you are a man, do not try to hit on her, she will appreciate it and might even introduce you with a few cool people!

8. If you do not succed at the first few times, do not lose hope, there are plenty of people who feel the same way as you. Even Americans.

9. Talk to your Nepali friends sometimes they know a lot of cool people around. Friends do not necessarily have to be "Americans" I have had great friends from all parts of the world. That's the beauty of this place.

10. America is not Nepal, so please forget about chiya pasal hangout/conversation and that level of friendship with most of the people. Make a few good friends and stick to them.

11. If none of these work, Work on your personality. Maybe something is wrong in that front. We look like slobs sometimes, without us catching any wind of it whatsoever. Self analysis is sometimes helpful.

Good luck Amigo!

* When you are in Rome lol

Yep I feel your pain brother!
But one thing always works; talk about  sports with guys( e.g: what happened last night at the NBA final; what   do you think about LSU Oregon College football or Boise State playing Georgia)  if you are talking to ladies compliment them and ofcourse have a confidence in your accent. That usually works.....

P.S: Remember its not fair to expect everyone talking like you or thinking like you.

Anyhow bro, I appreciate your disclosures. And will mull over it again and again.

Sanju baba: I" like the point you made Remember its not fair to expect everyone talking like you or thinking like you." Thanks man.

Here are my 2 cents too

1. Try finding people who are like you, your interest, profession. It's no use to chat with a football guy if you're not into it. Golf is another example.

2. Work lunch...try to initiate a conversation with someone (not out of nothing...something that is right there). From the kitchen window, you guys see a crazy driver...say "That guy is going to hurt somebody" and look into his/her eyes....go from there. Weather, news, magazine, frozen foods, alcohol are god topics to start at lunch. Look around on the wall of their cubes..picture of their dogs, family, cars, the wallpaper on their monitor...there are plenty of ways to start a conversation. It's upto you how far you want to go after that.

3. Never expect them to know your name, introduce yourself. If they mispronounce your name, don't be too picky about it...just say "close enough". Absolutely...remember his/her name, it's a must. Next time you see hi, say "Hi Brent, How's going?" People get impressed when they see you remember their name. After work pub crawling is a very good place to get even closer with your co-workers. Don't get too drunk though and reveal our "Bir Gorkhali" drunk ass attitude.

4. Talk about something that is relevant about their life. They don't care about Mt. Everest, Buddha or MOMO.

5. Don't be too opinionated about religion, god and politics.

6. Have a sense of humor, don't be too uptight. When they feel very comfortable, some of them even will curse you as a way to saying you're cool. Behind locked door, me and my boss curse the shit out of each other. It might not work with others, personality is the key. For others, have manners, be polite. Don't hesitate to say “Hello, Thanks and I'm sorry” to people when you “have to” even if does not make sense to our Nepali brain. Thank when someone holds the door for you. Say “I'm sorry” when you're blocking someone's way. Simple manner takes you a long way.

7.Let people speak, listen to them, don't just talk over them, don't try to be the center of attention.

8.Unless you're in Hillbilly area, most metropolitan city people will understand you fairly well even if you have an accent. West Cost should be even better. Be confident.

9.At the end of the day, it's your attitude. Some people are NOT friendly at all, hope you do not fall in the category.
 

I'm a friendly outgoing person (just another regular Nepali fella) and I get plenty of friends (White,Blacks,Latino and lots of Asians). I guess I'm easy going, people seem to like that. Not trying to brag.

Good Luck

 

 

 

 

A very thank you to Vhootee bro. I sense that there is a significant point missing out here. As I wrote in the topic "Missing an authentic social connection in the West" I am writing to seek about authentic friends. Please be mindful that being friendly and being friend are two different things. Yes they are interconnected but for sure a thin ice does lie between them (unless someone melts them ;). To my observation one can be friendly at work, at shopping malls, bars etc but not necessary they count as authentic social connections. I agree and am aware that it all starts by being friendly no doubt on that. In all I am doing to build the social connection yes I am finding people friendly @ lunch @ work etc yet not a close circle of friends whom I can hangout after work or on holidays go for hiking, camping, trekking, kayaking, photography etc. 

Sorry for being persistence with my point guys. A pain in your butt.

But hey you guys rock for you are funny fellas.

Jukti Ji
Being friendly lead to friends...and you make the choice to get even closer or just "Hi, Hello" buddy at work. I've switched many jobs and am still in touch with the first job buddies. Most of my friends are from this or previous jobs. I'm talking about dinner, bbq, fishing, hiking and many travels with families just like you said. Few selects are even X-Mas, thanskgiving, one of them I took to Nepal with me. It's all up to you. It worked  for me, why not you? Maybe you're not comfortable to be around people, invite them at you place or you don't trust them. Nothing will work if you cannot come out of the coccon of Nepali friendship expectation. I return things that I borrow from friends here, pay my own dinner, not expect anything from them except companionship.Friends in Nepal is very different than friends here, however the bottom line is the same. Some to hang out, count on, get help and trust. That's just my view, you can disagree. With that said, I'll leave you in peace and good luck with future and friends.

All these suggestions are how to not be ur self and act like a joe bojo so u can fit in as an american.yes we know when someone holds the door we should thank you. Yes we also know Americans like to be called by their names.I guess like the thread originator wants to point out where does that end.if u become a complete bakula then what happens to ur kauwa identity after all ur a kauwa deep inside. I think u should be ur self.hang out with educated people they are usually curious and accepting. And remember this is a country where most parents kick their children once they turn 18 and parents loan 200 dollars to their kids and ask them when are they returning it. Most ,epali parents dedicate their lives to their children. Its just the way it is u r not going to find such level of togetherness and genuine caring in foreign land. We r rich in some aspects and ur are now realizing that cuz for the most part u thought monay and career is the biggest importance and u forgot about ur most precious possession. Jee I can't believe some of the wannn bees trying to tell to be a bananna .

Kalopani bro you have hit the nail right i@ the center. It's about how I am identifying being in the West. And as said in my starting thread I have been in East Coast for few years (not strong social ties), went back to Nepal for almost a couple of years (able to eastablish a strong social connection), now back in West (again struggling with social connection). My experience has made my mind wonder why when I went back again I was socially comfortable with my support system and why I am struggling in the West. Awwahaa my ego needs wants to scare the heck out of me. Well said Kalopani "...I can't believe some of the wannn bees trying to tell to be a bananna."

I don't have a silver bullet or 10-steps to meaningful relationships that I can throw up here but I think when it comes to making social connections the main thing is recognizing whether or not somebody is worthy of your friendship. If you extend your hand and the other person doesn't reciprocate, then they are probably not worthy of your friendship and you should not waste time trying to create any further impressions on them. If, on the other hand, people reciprocate your gestures, reach out to you and accept you for who you are, then that can be the basis for a lasting and authentic relationship.

Whatever you do, don't try too hard to fit in. As LE Modesitt Jr wrote in his book the  Ethos Effect "If you try too hard to fit in, you become a slave to those in power". If you are not interested in watching sports, for goodness sake, don't force yourself to watch a game , or worse , google up the previous day's NBA scores just so that you can have a conversation with someone in the office about it in the hopes that it might somehow lead to a meaningful friendship with them. The resulting social connection you make is in all likelihood going to be very short-lived, shallow and fake to say the least. It's okay to say I don't watch football, basketball, baseball or hockey. Or to say I don't understand politics or religion or philosophy. If your 'friends' judge you adversely for that, then they are probably not worth your time and they can go find other friends (and so can you!)


As far as making social connections in the West versus back home goes, much of it depends on one's age, social environment and 'station in life' so to speak. You are more likely to make new friends in your teens and early twenties regardless of where you live in the world. I feel as people approach their thirties and beyond, their priorities and perspectives change and so does their behavior and ability to make new friends. People become picky and less patient with those they have nothing in common. We have to accept this as a fact of life and learn to moderate our craving for more friends in my opinion.

If you are living in a society different from the one you grew up in, you have the added need to be accepted which you would not have had had you remained put in the society of your birth - and this adds an additional dimension to your sociability. I have been all over the place on this and my perspectives have undergone many changes over time but at the end of the day, I think you just have to be yourself and if being yourself makes you unlikable to someone then so be it! These days when I go to the mall and see a woman from the sub-continent walking around in a saree or salwar kameez with a tika on her forehead and donning a pair of sneakers , I look up in admiration at her. I admire her defiance of the pressure to fit in. I would strike a friendship any day with her over some people who try too hard to fit in.

Not sure if my thoughts will help you make more friends or more meaningful social connections but let me share this: I am happiest when I am myself and don't obsess about being accepted for who I am. It is a liberating feeling. And oh by the way, happy me has a heck of a lot more friends and finds meaning in my relationships than the miserable me that I can sometimes turn into.

Best wishes.

Thank you Vivant

" These days when I go to the mall and see a woman from the sub-continent walking around in a saree or salwar kameez with a tika on her forehead and donning a pair of sneakers , I look up in admiration at her. I admire her defiance of the pressure to fit in. I would strike a friendship any day with her over some people who try too hard to fit in. "

Vivant said it the best. When I was younger, I thought it was stupid, but as I am getting older and understanding life from a bias free perspective, I really respect those who do not wish to change. However, if one wishes not to change according to the surrounding one also risks being ostracized, so keeping a balance is what in my opinion is important (If you want to be a social butterfly, and are not content with the number of social connections you have and still want to not change our old ways at all, then there is a major conflict of interest).