Owlet
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Owlet
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Posted on 06-14-14 12:32
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WARNING: I just started but I have a feeling this might be long and VERY personal. Who knows? You might even shed a tear. Before I begin, I know there may be many who may think that Sajha is an inappropriate platform to share this story. However, while I understand the strength behind being a closed book, I feel humans as social creatures have the innate need to express themselves, which I find is beautiful. Besides, I think it is about time that I share this story to the public, not because I am looking for sympathy, because I have got that covered (I pity myself plenty, LOL) but because it feels like an experience that ought to be told.
In my first post here, when introducing myself, I shared that I am obsessed with owls and have been for quite a while. This obsession is why my pseudonym here is "Owlet", why I have around a ridiculous number of accessories with owl designs on them and lastly, (this is going to take the cake) a giant owl tattoo with its wings all spread out on my back. Haha, I can already imagine a number of people cringing their faces at the idea of a tattoo, especially a large one. I would know, my mother refused to talk to me for about a month when I got it.
Anyway, moving on to the story, my obsession with owls did not start in the way it does for any- The Harry Potter books or the strange, unexpected fashion fad where everything from shirts to necklaces had owls on them. It actually started with something very tragic- the demise of my father back around seven years ago. He had gotten into an accident and so, as you can imagine this news came to us completely out of the blue. I still remember shuddering, my heart slowly breaking as I watched mother break down in front of me, pushing, pulling, screaming and crying. It was one those heartbreaking moments, where life just sneaks up from behind you and punches you in the gut. Hard.
Anyway, after I finally processed what had happened and got hold of myself, I focused my energy on attempting to console my hysterical mother. But as she would stare at me with the saddest, most helpless look I have ever seen on a person I would find it increasingly difficult to keep my own emotions under control. I would often run to the bathroom, to find some time alone, to get away from the sympathetic looks constantly reminding me of the tragedy that had just taken place. And it was during my hide outs that I saw it- An owl perched on the outside window over my bathroom. It had not been there yesterday. Or had it? I was confused but I let it go. It would probably be gone by tomorrow. But no, it was still there the next day, and the day after that and the day after that, and the day after that. Not that it would do anything interesting- it would just stay there with its eyes closed. And if I made noise, it would open its eyes, look at me with its big eyes (in retrospect I figure it was telling me to stop disturbing it). Every time I needed to run away from the world- to let out tears I had been fighting in front of other people or simply escape for a little while, I would go to that bathroom. Not that I would talk to him but I would always expect him to be there.
It was after the 45 day puja that the owl, who had now become sort of a companion of mine through this dark time left. I waited for it to come back, checking every morning but it did not show up. This is when I lost it. I cried and I think, this is when, apart from the day they confirmed the news, I felt that giant gaping hole in my heart. It finally started to hurt. All this time, I had refused to believe what was happening around me was true but now that the owl was gone, I felt my father's presence disappear with it. I don't know if the gods saw my pain or something, after around 15 days, it was back! Just sitting there casually, like nothing had happened. That prick, only if he knew how much pain his departure had caused me.
It stayed for over a year, in the same before it finally left, this time for good. But this time, I felt like I was ready to let go. Things had changed. I had already went up a grade, my mother had started going back to work and my brother was back in college.
I might not even be old enough to say this, but from what I have gathered from my short journey far, is one of the most experiences is having a loved one leave without them ever knowing what they meant to you. I had still hear my father going, ' ma ta ta lawyer bhayeko dekhepachhi matra marchhu.' This absence of closure leaves a bitter after taste. I don't know whether that owl was a reincarnation of my father(like Hinduism preaches), or a helped from the big man himself to help ease the pain or just a random owl. All I know is that it helped me through one of the most difficult time in my life, and even though it might not be the ideal way, gave me chance to say goodbye. Thanks to it, while it still bothers me to this day, I have been able to move forward with my life.
My tattoo is a tribute to my father, to that owl and to that experience. Although I would not in a million years want to relive it, I sure am glad I could take something away from it.
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ThahaChaena
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Posted on 06-14-14 6:31
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so heartfelt writing OWLET. Condolences from me (although its kinda late). नेपाली मा भनिन्छ नि ...जब कोइ अप्रत्यासित मृत्यु वरण गर्छ उ आफ्नो घर कुनै कुनै रुपमा फर्किन्छ रे .... परिवारको सुबिस्ता र मन शान्त भएपछि मात्र फर्किन्छ रे .... कोइ काग, चिल , कुकुर , भ्यागुता या कुनै जनावरको रुपमा त्यो मृत्युले शोकमा डुबेको घर आइपुग्छ भन्ने लोकयुक्ति छ ... कति सत्य हो कति असत्य दैब जानुन .... तर धेरै लाइ र यहाँ तिम्लाई पनि मन सानो भएपनि सहारा भयो त्यो उल्लु ..... You write your heart down, Salute from THAHA CHAENA . Its no easy thing to do.
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Owlet
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Posted on 06-27-14 12:38
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ThahaChaena: Hello! Thank you so much for your kind words. I apologize for not replying promptly though. I am sensitive when it comes to this topic and I really do appreciate what you have to sa. Actually, I didn;t know about that belief, haha, i thought I might have been one of the few but as strange as it is, I also find it quite reassuring. I think people do need closure of some sort and well, because i know this incident helped me get some, it is nice there will be others! Nas: You have to be the sweetest. That poem made me tear up a little. I apologize for my late response but I know I can always count on you to brighten up my day a little. Thank you
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Owlet
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Posted on 06-30-14 9:16
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Risai dinu bhako ho diu jana ? :(
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Lekhak
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Posted on 06-30-14 10:17
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The sheer strength of the wailing and crying was enough to draw me to the window. They say we can see through darkness, but it really is our visionary sense combined with our auditory reflections that gives us the strength to identify the smallest of rats in the jungle. Well, now I have settled my family in this concrete jungle and objects are less visible, but even in the cacophony of a bustling city, I hear voices that have a distinctive note on them. The note of sorrow and the note of condemnation. I registered this note and I was drawn to their window.
I sat there, I knew I had to wait. I also knew the voice would come closer, eventually. They all need a lonely place to resonate the sorrow they are feeling. And eventually it happened, the girl showed up. She went into the room with shiny tiles sobbing, but then she cried loud as soon as she closed the door. I stayed quiet outside, I knew she would notice me eventually. And it happened, she looked at me, I glanced at her. She was confused, I was certain of my intentions. I knew my company would permeate through the glass window and that my calm eyes would give her the confidence she was looking for. No, I never met her dad, but I could tell that he was the source of her confidence. I couldn't take his place, but I could tone down the pain a little. After all, I had been through the same just a couple of years ago.
After our migration to this new city, my wife and I had settled for a nest not too far away from the outskirts of the city. Life was good, just until the day when we decided to leave our young lings in the nest and go hunt together.Like any other day, we would perch on two long poles adjacent to each other. We would then wait till the moles came out to pay their homage to the sunlight. My love, jumped up to the wire connected the pole that day, we did this very often to get a better glance at things down below. But this time she slipped and when she spread her wings to gain control, it touched the other wire right above the first one and she immediately fell down. My world was gone right there and then. I kept circling her listless body until a small girl approached us. No small girl could dare come near us, but this girl was brave. She held up my wife and looked at me. She had that confidence that I now have. She calmly put my love down and gave her the proper burial she deserved. Every now and then she would look at me giving me more and more confidence to live, to live for our young lings. That was the day I flew up to the height I had never flown. I was crying but I was determined too; I made it a mission to live for my young lings, and to help those who went through similar pain.
The crying had subsided and she was just staring at me now. I tried to convey to her that I'd be right outside whenever she needs me. And I held to my promise, for next few weeks, I made it my routine to visit the girl. As I felt she was stronger, I knew it was time for me to move on so that she can be independent and as strong as she used to be. For next few weeks, I routinely checked her out, this time very discreetly. She was back to being miserable, but I thought it was necessary for me to stop being her crutch, I knew she didn't need one. Once I felt she could take it on her own, I thought I'd reveal my presence one more time. She was elated, I was happy as I cried within. I saw the same love in her eyes that I had missed for years, she was more of a support to me now that I was to her.
I no longer posses any strength to fly now. I lay perched here in my nest, counting my days. I, however, feel satisfied with my life. I know the girl is stronger, I chuckled when I saw my wings on her back the other day. She loves me still and I love her. She was my strength and I know she will be a strength for so many more too. Here's to my second love.
-Lekhak
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